Unless You Have Been There
by FireAndBubbles
Summary: Kaidan Alenko had a long, hard road to becoming a "fully functional human being."  This is a glimpse at the journey that eventually led him to the Normandy.
1. Chapter 1

_I thought it might be fun to get some stories of Kaidan out that don't involve Shepard or romance. So, if this teaser interests you, send a review and I will write some longer, more interesting stories about Kaidan before he was assigned to the Normandy. I currently accept anonymous reviews._

* * *

Sixteen-year-old Samantha Keller stood at the door to Kaidan Alenko's room. Or, at least, what had become his room after the Alliance had ruled Vyrnnus' death a "training accident." Kaidan was two years older than her, and they didn't run in the same circles, but Sam had heard that Kaidan was barely eating and not really talking. She knew his friends were avoiding him. Now that they had seen the death biotics could cause with their own eyes, they were not dealing with it well. He needed to talk to someone, though. Sam decided she just wouldn't take no for an answer.

Sam hit the door chime. Nothing happened.

"You can let me in or I can hack the door, it's up to you," Sam said. "But I'm not going away."

There was a long sigh over the intercom. "Sam, do you even know how to hack a door?"

"It will probably take me a while," Sam admitted, "and I'll probably make a mess of it. They might have to cut it open if I mess it up too bad, right? Easier if you just open the damn door."

"I have a migraine."

"The hell you do," Sam retorted. "I'm getting my omni-tool out. Last chance."

There was no response. Sam actually wasn't the best at bypassing door locks, but one of her trainers had insisted they all learn the basics in case they were ever captured or something. It took her a bit, but she eventually got the door open. The room was dimly lit, and Kaidan was sitting on his bunk, knees to his chest, staring blankly at the wall. Sam pulled over a desk chair and sat next to his bed.

"Congratulations on getting the door open," Kaidan said. "Now please, just leave me alone."

"You've had enough alone time, Kaidan," Sam said. "I'm not going anywhere. I know we aren't exactly the best of friends, but I care about what happens to you, and you are having a major freakout. You need to talk."

"No, I don't. He's dead, and I killed him, and I don't want to talk about it. Or anything else."

Sam didn't say anything, but she didn't make any move to get up, either. After about five minutes of silence, Kaidan spoke up.

"The psychologist already tried this trick," he said wearily. "It didn't work."

Sam didn't say anything. Another ten minutes went by.

"All of my friends are avoiding me," he said finally. "Why are you here?"

"You want an honest answer? Because I'm grateful."

"That's pretty bloodthirsty," Kaidan said bitterly.

"I don't mean I'm grateful that Vyrnnus died," Sam explained. "I'm grateful you stood up to them. I'm grateful the program will be shut down."

"Well, my friends aren't grateful. They're just freaked out. And Rahna… Rahna is afraid of me now," Kaidan whispered. "She's as afraid of me as she was of _him_."

Sam bit back on her initial response. Rahna was afraid of everything, except letting other people take punches for her. Kaidan had it bad for her, though, and he was hurting.

"I'm sorry to hear that, Kaidan," Sam sighed. "I hope she gets past it. But even if she doesn't, the fact that you stood up to him will make all of our lives better. Including hers, whether she can see that or not."

"There must have been another way for me to stand up to them."

"Yeah, Kaidan. I tried that." Sam looked over at Kaidan. "I asked a couple of the doctors to file a report with child services. It got me a lot of alone time with Marshall Nash."

For the first time, Kaidan looked her in the eye.

"I didn't know that," he said softly. Marshall Nash was the primary hardware researcher for the BAaT program. He handled the kids branded as troublemakers personally, and all of them came out of his room quieter. Rumors of what happened when kids went off alone with him were whispered, and even the mildest ones were pretty bad.

"It wasn't pleasant. I didn't want anyone to know. A couple of my friends suspected, but…I didn't want to talk about it," Sam said. "I was afraid they wouldn't understand, or would think I was lying, or that they would crack if they knew about it."

"You don't have anything to be ashamed of," Kaidan said. "If he hurt you, it wasn't your fault."

"Just like it wasn't your fault that Vyrnnus lost his mind and tried to kill you."

Kaidan looked away.

"I'm not asking you to tell me your big dark secret just because I told you one of mine," Sam sighed. "I'll settle for some normal conversation, and maybe you eating a little bit of food before they put an IV in you. Please."

There was a long silence before Kaidan looked back at her.

"Yeah, okay. I guess I could tell you how to bypass a door properly."

Sam stopped by every day before he left, making sure Kaidan had company. Eventually, she didn't have to talk him into eating or leaving his room anymore. When he was packing his bags to leave the station, he asked her why she'd done it. She just shrugged and said it seemed like he needed a friend.

Kaidan told her then that if she ever needed a friend, he would be there. They stayed in touch. They didn't message often, but every time they did the friendship picked right up where it left off. In a way, they were like brother and sister, bound together by shared experience. Some things, you couldn't understand unless you'd been there.


	2. Chapter 2

Kaidan stared out the window of the transport. Yet another broken-down shuttle to yet another lousy mining job. Yet another stop on his never-ending quest to find a job that sucked so much they couldn't afford to discriminate against him.

He sighed and leaned his head back against the headrest, trying to ignore the strange smells assaulting him from all corners of the cabin.

_I knew you had it in you, boy. What took you so long?_

Kaidan suppressed a groan as Vyrnnus' voice sounded in his head, as it had done most nights in the year since Kaidan had killed his instructor. Only then, with the turian's dying breath stuttering out in blue bubbles of turian blood, had Kaidan understood. All the beatings, all the harassment, every injustice was meant to provoke them, make them stronger, and make them strike out with the skills they had learned. What Vyrrnus had done was still wrong, but it wasn't until those words had come out that Kaidan understood Vyrnnus had meant well in his own twisted, sadistic way.

It would have been easier if he had never realized that.

Kaidan ran his hand over his tired eyes, realizing that sleep would elude him once again. Even if he _could_ sleep, he didn't want the other passengers to see him in the middle of a nightmare. At least he'd been able to avoid a migraine so far. This transport was headed for a small mining facility on some asteroid in the Traverse, and it was crowded with a variety of people, human and non-human alike. Kaidan had nothing against the hanar, but bioluminescent speech was like a special kind of torture in the middle of a migraine, even without the strangely loud translation into spoken language.

Giving up on sleep, Kaidan pulled his datapad out of his duffel and linked it to his omni-tool. He may as well check on the mail he'd been putting off reading.

The letter from his mother was expected, and unwelcome. It was yet another reproachful reminder that he hadn't spoken to his father in a while. Kaidan was well aware that he hadn't spoken to his father, and he didn't plan on changing that in the foreseeable future. There were several messages from people trying to sell him things. One promised an "all natural herbal strength enhancer, discovered from the ancient secrets of the protheans" that was supposed to be as effective as gene therapy for a fraction of the price. A fraction of a lot was still a lot, especially for something that almost certainly wouldn't work and would probably land a person in the hospital. He deleted that, along with its companion messages offering larger genitalia, proven ways to get rich quickly, and LIVE chat with an asari dancer.

No, he would _not_ keep that one. He had few credits as it was.

The last message was from Sam. She had sent him several messages in the last year, and offered more than once to send him money. As welcome as it would have been, Kaidan refused to take her up on it. Sam was barely sixteen when she left Jump Zero, and had become an emancipated minor shortly after that. Kaidan had no doubt money was at least as hard for Sam to come by as it was for him. He'd manage, as he had frequently told her. His brow furrowed in irritation. If this was another offer…

But it wasn't. Sam had just turned seventeen, which made her old enough to attend the Arcturus Military Academy. The message was to tell him that she had been accepted to the academy and was planning to be a marine. Despite the ambivalence Kaidan felt toward the Alliance in general and the military in particular, he couldn't help but smile at the thought of one-point-five-meter-tall Samantha Keller as an Alliance Marine. She'd probably be really good at it, though; she was sure as hell pushy enough.

As his eyes scanned to the bottom of the message, he saw that Sam had included some information on the most recent settlement between Conatix and the former students of the BAaT training program. The money they were required to cough up was minimal, especially considering the after-effects of what they had done to the kids. One thing that caught his eye, however, was their obligation to pay for higher education for the students who qualified. It specifically included correspondence classes via extranet.

"I know you don't want anything from Conatix, Kaidan," Sam said at the bottom of her message, "but they owe this and more to all of us. Take their damn money, because if you don't the bastards will just keep it."

That was interesting. Maybe… no, he didn't care. They could keep their damn money. Kaidan didn't need or want help from anyone. He'd make it on his own.

And yet, here he was, on another filthy transport headed to another filthy, hard-labor job. He hadn't wanted to attend school, he had been too afraid of the reception he'd get. On Earth, biotics had to register, and most universities kept a roster of their biotic students. Even in schools where those lists were kept quiet, they were routinely hacked. Biotics had been harassed and even killed for being on those lists. Correspondence classes would eliminate the need to register as a biotic with the school. Kaidan had looked into it once, but most student assistance wouldn't cover long-distance learning.

Maybe it wouldn't hurt to fill out the form, at least. Sam was right; if he didn't claim it, Conatix or its shareholders would just keep it. Besides, if he could get some sort of education, maybe he wouldn't have to spend the rest of his life in places like this.


	3. Chapter 3

"I think she likes you, Alenko."

Kaidan looked up from his datapad at the table across from his in the company cafeteria. Jen Corazon was there, talking with several other women. Kaidan sighed. Jen was one of the office workers on the Twerg mining colony. She had bleach blonde hair, painted fingernails, and was very… friendly. Her makeup sparkled almost as much as her personality. She _was_ pretty, though, so Kaidan didn't manage to look away quite fast enough. Jen caught his eye and waved her fingers at him, blowing him a kiss.

"Not interested." Kaidan looked back down at his datapad, blushing furiously, while the girls at the table laughed.

"Oh, come on, Alenko," Ted pushed. "Nobody's saying you need to marry the girl. _She's_ certainly not going to say it. This is a lonely place, is all. No reason why consenting adults can't have a little fun. And word has it Jen is a _lot_ of fun."

"I don't know that I want that much experience," Kaidan shrugged. "Especially since most of her experience comes from the other guys here. In the six months I've been here I think she's had 'a little fun' with twelve guys."

"But she _likes_ you."

"She'll change her mind," Kaidan replied.

"Man, you are such a downer," Ted muttered. "All you do is… whatever it is you're doing now."

"Classes," Kaidan replied. "I'm working on a degree in applied technology."

"See, now that's why she likes you," Ted smiled. "You have _plans._ Unlike the rest of us. Why are you even here, man? You're smart and polite and way too good for a place like this."

"I'm here for the same reason everyone else is," Kaidan said, not looking up from his datapad.

"Everyone else is here because Coorta Mining Company is too cheap for a damn background check."

"I know."

"So what the hell did you do that makes you want to avoid a background check?" Ted pushed. "Was it drugs?"

"No."

"Well, if it was, I wouldn't care," Ted shrugged. "That's why I'm here. Matter of fact, I bet I could get you—"

"No drugs, Ted," Kaidan interrupted. "There are enough accidents here as it is, and I have to stay with it enough to watch my back, because we all know the company isn't doing it."

"So you don't do drugs, I've never seen you drink, you don't chase tail, and you don't seem like the fighting type, so what could you have done?"

"Ted, I really don't want to talk about it," Kaidan snapped, pinching the bridge of his nose. Ted meant well, he really did. In fact, if he wasn't on whatever drug he was on right now he'd probably have dropped it already.

"I know! Loitering." Ted said it with triumph. "You got caught organizing the socks into alphabetical order by color in one of those snooty clothing places, and they sent you to court."

"You caught me." Kaidan's voice was flat, and he didn't look up from his datapad.

"Okay, look, kid, seriously now," Ted said, "most of the guys are pretty sure you think you're too good for the rest of us. That could start to cause you some problems, you know?"

"What do you mean?" Kaidan asked, finally looking up.

"I mean there's a bunch of mean people out here who are starting to get a little stir-crazy after several months in this tiny little base," Ted replied. "There are a few who are going to start looking to make trouble, and when they do you're going to be one of the first they look at."

"And what makes you think that will change if I try to fit in?" Kaidan asked. "I don't know if you noticed, Ted, but I don't really fit in well."

"You should at least try," Ted told him, "even if it doesn't work out so well. Let them know you're not stuck up. Or at least that you aren't afraid of them."

"Because then the bullies will leave me alone. Right."

"Because then you won't have to deal with them by yourself," Ted shot back. "This place is a shithole, Kaidan, and you need friends. More friends than one old druggie, anyway."

"I don't think of you as an old druggie, Ted," Kaidan said.

"Thanks, kid, but it isn't about what you think," Ted sighed. "Look, whatever you're trying to run from, you're not going to get very far away from it if it isn't actually behind you. Take it from me. I've been there."

_No, you haven't,_ Kaidan thought. _Nobody has, that's the problem._ But Ted was trying to help, so Kaidan didn't voice his thought. Instead he shrugged.

"At least remember what I said, kid." Ted stood up. "It will make sense eventually, if you let it." With that, Ted walked away.

Kaidan went back to his classwork. The harder he worked on it, the faster it would be done, and the sooner he could try to get out of places like this one.

A few minutes later, he was deep in concentration on a particularly difficult equation when a shadow fell over the table. Kaidan smelled her perfume before even looking up. Jen Corazon wore a very noticeable fragrance, and he felt his eyes pounding a bit in response to it. Not her fault, really, but it was frustrating just the same. Knowing he couldn't really get out of it now, Kaidan looked up.

"Hi, handsome," Jen said, smiling down at him. "Mind if I have a seat?"

"Um, no?" Kaidan stammered. She smiled sweetly and settled into the chair.

"Thanks," she said, flipping her hair over her shoulder. The movement drew attention to her low collar and the assets underneath. Kaidan tried not to look, but only succeeded in yanking his eyes away quickly after they had moved of their own volition to her revealing neckline. He swallowed hard as he blushed. Jen simply smiled, showing she had noticed, which made Kaidan blush even harder.

"What are you doing?" she asked, pointing at the datapad in such a way that her hand was very close to his.

"Classes," Kaidan replied. "Trying to do better than, well, I didn't mean that the way it came out."

"There's no shame in trying to do better than here, Kaidan," Jen said. "Don't worry about it."

"Okay."

"Do I make you nervous, Kaidan?" she laughed.

"Pretty girls always make men nervous," Kaidan said without thinking.

"You think I'm pretty?"

"Yes, and you _know_ you're pretty," Kaidan replied. He felt his brain finally take over from… well, from whatever had been doing the thinking, or lack thereof, until now.

"Well, I do put a lot of work into it."

"It pays off. Look, Jen," Kaidan coughed. "I think you're very attractive, but I'm not, I mean, you're just… more than a guy like me can handle. Maybe."

"Really?" she said, her voice taking on a hard edge.

"I didn't mean that to be insulting," Kaidan clarified. "Really, I didn't, it's just that I'm not used to… a woman like you being interested in a guy like me." He looked up at her with what he hoped was sincerity. He didn't realize that he also looked a bit terrified. Jen looked into his eyes a moment, then leaned back slightly.

"Oh my God," she said softly. "You _haven't _yet, have you?"

"I don't see how that's anybody's business but mine," Kaidan replied, still blushing.

"It isn't," she agreed, "but it explains a few things. I just thought a guy that looked like you would have a bit more experience by now. You must have had chances."

"Not that many, really," Kaidan muttered.

"Seriously?" she laughed.

"I was kind of sheltered growing up," he said.

"What, were you in some kind of juvenile detention?"

"It felt like it, but no." Kaidan sighed. "Look, um, Jen. I don't really want to talk about my screwed up childhood, if that's okay with you."

"Attractive, polite, and doesn't want to go on about how the galaxy has screwed him over," she said to herself. "Why, oh why, couldn't I have met you after someone had broken you in?"

Kaidan just raised an eyebrow to that. It was a little offensive, really, but the sparkle in her eyes and the plunging neckline took a lot of the sting out of it.

"Sorry," she said. "That wasn't very sensitive of me. I'm not used to having to worry about it with this bunch. Look, I'll make you a deal. I'll stop coming on so strong, and I won't push anything, but I want you to come to a party with me. A bunch of us are getting together after shift end tomorrow, and you seriously need to get out more."

"I don't know…"

"Kaidan." Her voice was serious for the first time since she'd sat down. He looked at her. "This place will eat you alive if you stay holed up like this. And it seems like you're actually a nice guy, so it might be a little hard for you to handle. You might get hurt."

Actually, it was far more likely that someone else would get hurt if Kaidan was backed into a corner. As far as he was concerned, that was much worse.

"Okay," he said. "I'll go to the party."

Jen smiled, and this time it was much more natural. As pretty as she was, when the predatory look fell off her face she was downright beautiful.

"You should smile like that more often," Kaidan said before he could stop himself.

"Like what?"

"Like you mean it."

"You don't have any idea that you're saying all the right things, do you?"

Kaidan blushed.

"Tomorrow, Kaidan. Meet me at my apartment, it's in the directory. Seven in the evening. Don't be late." With that, she sauntered back over to her table. It took tremendous effort, but Kaidan somehow managed not to watch her as she swished away from him.

He tried to go back to his work, but he found it was impossible to concentrate with the scent of Jen's perfume hanging in the air. What had he gotten himself into?


	4. Chapter 4

Jen hadn't needed to warn Kaidan not to be late. He hadn't been less than fifteen minutes early for anything since Brain Camp. He did make sure he didn't show up at her door quite that early, though. He knew very little about women, but he knew enough not to pressure a woman into being ready before she wanted to be. Still, he found that he just couldn't stand outside until it was exactly seven, so he knocked on her door at five 'til.

If she'd been pretty in the cafeteria, Jen was a vision now. She was still a little too polished for Kaidan to really feel comfortable, but beautiful nonetheless. Kaidan felt horribly under-dressed next to her, wearing casual pants and the only sweater that he owned that didn't have holes in it, but the way Jen looked him over suggested she wasn't disappointed.

For his part, Kaidan was starting to get irritated with all the blushing she was causing. He'd had years of biofeedback training. He could control the eezo nodules in his nervous system with a precision most humans could never attain. Why couldn't he stop the blood from rushing to his face when he was around Jen? It was something he was going to have to work on. It wouldn't do to have his emotions so easily read, especially around a group of hard frontier miners, most of whom had a criminal record of some sort.

"Are you ready?" he asked. "I can wait outside."

"No, I'm ready, let's go," Jen smiled.

The party had been set up in one of the empty docking areas in an abandoned area of the station. Kaidan grimaced when he felt the music through the floor outside the doors.

"Don't like the music?" Jen asked.

"Sometimes I get migraines," Kaidan replied. "It's okay, though. It doesn't always happen."

"You let me know if this gets to be too much for you," Jen told him. Kaidan nodded. When they got inside, Kaidan realized that a large portion of the station was already there. He was also relieved to see that the lights were steady instead of flashing. Flashing lights would have been a much bigger problem than loud music.

There was alcohol, of course, and a low haze of some sort of drug being smoked. Kaidan was surprised when Ted Harris came up to him.

"Well, look who made it," Ted smiled, slapping Kaidan on the back. "We'll get you a beer."

Kaidan almost refused, but he thought about what Ted had told him about fitting in. One beer probably wouldn't hurt anything, especially if he was careful not to drink it too fast.

"Okay," Kaidan agreed. "Jen, you want something?"

"I'll come with you," she said. "I like to get my own drinks." Kaidan wasn't sure if some guys would be offended by that, but he figured it was probably smart of her. He smiled encouragingly and offered his arm to her, and they followed Ted to the bar.

Ted was making it his mission in life to introduce Kaidan to as many people as possible. Kaidan was polite, friendly even, but he didn't let his guard down. Some of the people were nice enough, but others had that set to their shoulders and that look on their face that reminded him of the worst people at Brain Camp. As he smiled and shook hands with people, he kept a mental list of those he thought he needed to keep an eye on. Finally, Jen pulled him out to the dance floor.

"I don't really dance," Kaidan objected.

"Everyone dances, Kaidan," she said, pulling on his arm, "it's just that not everyone dances well. We're just here to have fun, so who cares if you're any good?"

"I don't even know what to do!"

"Just follow my lead."

Jen proved a remarkable teacher. Kaidan may not have been a good dancer by the time she was done showing him the moves, but he was at least a little more confident that he wasn't making a _complete_ fool out of himself. To his surprise, he was also enjoying himself. Eventually he forgot to be tense and to watch all the people and all of the exits and just danced with Jen.

Which, of course, is when the trouble started.

In the middle of the dance floor, one of the other miners walked up to them. He was a very tall, well-muscled man, and obviously drunk. From the look on Jen's face, she wasn't happy to see him.

"Hey, Jennie-girl," the man said. Johannes, Kaidan remembered. He was on the night crew, and was trouble even on the job. "We never finished our _dance_ the other night," Johannes said.

"I never agreed to that particular dance, Johannes," Jen said. Her voice was cool and her expression hard, but Kaidan saw the slight clenching of her hands as the man drew closer.

"Don't tell me you didn't want to," Johannes said, and he reached out to grab her by the arm. Kaidan was faster, grabbing the man's arm in a strong grip and squeezing on the muscle.

"She just told you that she didn't want to," Kaidan said firmly. "You need to respect that and back off. Now." Kaidan put himself between Jen and Johannes and let go of the man's arm. There was no trace of the shy technical geek now. He could see Jen looking at him in surprise out of the corner of his eye, but he didn't want to draw his attention away from Johannes to give her a reassuring glance. This had to be handled carefully or it would get out of hand, and he couldn't afford to miss anything. Reminding himself to stay calm, and forcing himself not to fall back on his biotic abilities to defend himself, Kaidan waited.

He saw the punch coming, probably before Johannes even knew he was going to throw it. Rather than duck, or re-direct the blow, Kaidan simply turned into it, allowing Johannes' fist to connect just enough to know that the blow landed. He tasted blood from where his lip had been shoved into his teeth, but he knew from long experience that the damage wasn't very bad. He turned to look at Johannes, who seemed shocked that his prey wasn't already on the ground.

"You sure you wanna do this?" Kaidan asked. "You leave now, you just walk away. You keep going, this gets a lot more serious." Johannes seemed to consider that for a moment. Kaidan was pretty sure the man would refuse to back down. It was an issue of saving face now. His reason for taking that first hit had more to do with the crowd. One-on-one, Johannes had no idea who he was dealing with. If the crowd turned against Kaidan, though, he wouldn't have a chance.

Johannes glanced around at the circle that had formed around them, which Kaidan was happy to see was inching away from the two men. He saw Ted Harris come up and pull Jen out of the way. Johannes looked down at him.

"You sure you want to mess with me?" the man asked Kaidan. "I've killed men before, you know."

"What makes you think I haven't?"

That caused Johannes to pause for a moment, but then he laughed and threw his next punch.

Johannes was powerful, but he was drunk and probably not used to fighting people who had any real combat training. Kaidan may not have been a marine, but Brain Camp taught him how to defend himself, and Vyrnnus had tested it. Johannes went for the big, heavy punches, which Kaidan could see coming almost immediately. He dodged one hit, then another, then turned into a third, soaking the damage so he could reach vital pressure points. With every hit Kaidan landed, Johannes grew more enraged, and the more enraged Johannes got the more obvious his next punch was. It was only a couple of minutes before Johannes was on the ground. Kaidan was hurt, but not badly. Certainly not as badly as everyone was sure he would be when the fight started.

With a grimace, Kaidan wiped the blood off his face and turned to Jen. He was pretty sure this wasn't the way to show a girl a good time. Much as he expected, Jen was staring at him, wide-eyed. Kaidan refused to think of Rahna, refused to let his emotions show on his face. Whether coming to the party had been a bad idea was something he could agonize over later. Right now, it was time to go.

"Jen," Kaidan said, as calmly as he could. "I think I'm ready to leave. Would you like for me to walk you back?" He tried to ignore the wide-eyed stare Ted Harris was giving him. Apparently a lot of people had underestimated Kaidan.

Jen seemed to shake off her shock and stepped forward.

"Yes, I'd like that," she said, her voice as even as Kaidan's. "Thank you." They walked out of the cargo area. The other party-goers just stared as they walked away.

Kaidan waited until they were halfway down the hall before stopping.

"Jen, I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't want to fight him. I know I probably scared you—"

"_Yes_ you scared me, you idiot!" Jen said angrily, looking up at Kaidan with unshed tears in her eyes. "I thought he was going to _kill_ you when that fight started! Do you have any idea what that man is capable of? He's a monster, and you're this nice guy and suddenly you're going toe-to-toe with him and I thought you were going to die because of _me._"

This wasn't what Kaidan had expected. He thought she would be afraid _of_ him, not _for_ him.

"I—I'm sorry, Jen. Really."

"And now you're apologizing for stepping in?" Jen demanded.

"That's… not a good thing?"

"No! Yes. I don't know," Jen flung herself at Kaidan, who awkwardly wrapped his arms around her. "I'm sorry. I'm grateful, Kaidan, I am. I just… it was a shock. Thank you for defending me." She pulled back and looked at him. "Why were you apologizing?"

"I thought you'd be afraid of me," he said softly.

"You thought I'd be afraid of _you_? I—_look out!_"

Kaidan turned to where Jen was looking and time slowed down. There, impossibly, was Johannes, and he was reaching in his jacket. Looked like he was done with fistfights. Without thinking, Kaidan brought up his left arm and a biotic barrier shimmered into place. As Johannes pulled the weapon out, Kaidan shoved Jen through an open doorway on the side of the hall. A couple of accelerated rounds slammed into his barrier, propelling him forward and causing the blue shimmer to dissipate.

"You _dusted_, kid?" Johannes asked, laughing as his footsteps echoed closer to the room they were hiding in. "I knew you weren't the nice guy you made yourself out to be. Come on out. You put up a good fight. Leave the girl and maybe I'll let you live."

Briefly, Kaidan considered the situation. Leaving Jen was not an option for a number of reasons. He was unarmed, and while he was good at defending himself there was no way he was going to dodge a bullet. The only thing he had to fall back on was his biotics. The image of Vyrnnus dying on the sterile floor of the training room flashed in his head, and he thought that if he were alone, he might just take his chances without biotics. But he wasn't alone. Jen was still there, and if he got himself killed she would be helpless. There was only one real option. He started gathering dark energy, preparing for Johannes.

_Just don't hit him as hard as you can,_ Kaidan thought. _If I hold back a little, it probably won't kill him._

Johannes rounded the corner, and Kaidan flung his arm out. The mnemonic triggered his biotic throw, and Johannes went flying, hitting the wall and sliding to the ground. The pistol fell from his limp hand. Anxiously, Kaidan ran over to him. He picked up the pistol, engaged the safety, and handed it to Jen.

"Hold this," he said. Wide-eyed, she took the weapon from him without a word. Kaidan turned to check on Johannes. Relief flooded through him as he felt a pulse in Johannes' wrist, and a quick glance showed that nothing seemed to be broken too badly.

"We need to call the paramedics," Kaidan said, looking at Jen. She was still holding the gun exactly as she had when he'd given it to her, staring at him in wide-eyed shock.

"Jen," he prompted gently.

"Yeah. Paramedics. Okay."

"You're afraid of me _now,_ aren't you?" Kaidan said, his voice sad.

"I—not _precisely._" Jen closed her eyes. "You're not sand-blasted or anything, are you?"

"No," Kaidan replied. "I never touch red sand or anything like it."

"So that—with the blue and the—that was just _you_?"

"Me, a bunch of implants, and a lot of training," Kaidan said. "But, yes. Jen, I have to call…"

"Yeah, okay," she said.

Kaidan called for the paramedics and base security as Jen tried to collect herself. It didn't take them long to arrive.

The security officers asked them what happened. Jen told them that Kaidan had surprised Johannes and tackled him after the man had missed with his first shots. She didn't mention the biotic display. Kaidan wasn't sure why she didn't, but he followed her lead. The investigation wasn't very intense. Coorta's security was less interested in justice than it was in quiet, and Johannes had been a troublemaker. In a surprisingly short amount of time, he and Jen were alone in the hallway.

"You didn't say anything."

"Not here," she said. "Let's go back to my apartment. We can talk there."

It was a long, tense walk for Kaidan. He had no idea what Jen was thinking, but all he could think about was Vyrnnus, and Rahna, and what would happen if word got around the base that he was some kind of freak.

When they got to her apartment and closed the door, Jen seemed to have collected herself.

"Are you running because you killed someone with… your abilities?" she asked.

"No, I'm not running."

"But you did kill someone."

"A man pulled a knife on me," Kaidan said. It was an oversimplification, but this night was complicated enough. "I'm not in trouble for it. I'm not proud of it, but I'm not in trouble. But if you're wondering why I'm _here,_ it's because I'm a registered biotic, and that shows up on a criminal background check, even if you're not a criminal. It makes it very hard to keep a job. That's it, Jen, I swear. I would never—I don't want to hurt anyone. I'm so sorry…"

She took a deep breath and looked up at him.

"So, that sheltered upbringing of yours, that was training," she said. "Training for that stuff you did."

"Yeah. Jen, I'm sorry if I scared you…" he trailed off as she held up a hand. She looked at him, her eyes suddenly far older than he'd seen them before.

"You spend a lot of time apologizing," she said. "You spend a lot of time worrying about scaring people. That's what makes people think you're easy pickings, Kaidan. They see you worried and a little scared, and they don't realize you're scared of yourself."

"Shouldn't I be?"

"I don't know, Kaidan," she sighed. "Only you can answer that question. But I've known a lot of monsters, and you don't seem like one of them. What you did, it was unsettling. But it wasn't nearly as bad as what Johannes wanted to do. I was surprised, but I'll get over it. When a real monster gets a hold of you, it leaves scars that don't really heal. But I'm guessing you know that."

"Yeah," Kaidan sighed. "I'm starting to figure it out."

Jen walked toward him, running her hands along his shoulders.

"I should thank you," she said, her voice husky, "for saving me." She pulled him down into a kiss. Kaidan was so shocked that he let her do it, but as she started to tug at the hem of his sweater he pulled back. This didn't feel right.

"Jen," he murmured. "Stop."

"Why?" she asked. "I'm grateful, and you're attracted to me, and you need someone to show you that you're not a monster. This will take care of all of that."

"I can accept a thank you," he said.

"This would say it better."

"Would it?" Kaidan put his hands on her shoulders and looked her in the eye. "I don't know where you've run into monsters before, Jen, but I have a feeling it has a lot to do with how you're trying to thank me right now."

"You don't know anything," she said angrily, turning away.

"Maybe not," Kaidan admitted, "but I feel like I'd be taking advantage of you if I let this go any farther. And that's not the way to prove to myself that I'm not a monster. I didn't help you with any strings attached, Jen. I just didn't want anything bad to happen to you. I didn't expect anything in return, and I don't want… I don't want something this intimate to be a business transaction. You—we _both_ deserve better."

Jen stood silently with her back to him for what seemed like a very long time.

"You are going to make someone very happy someday," Jen sighed, turning back to him. "Where the hell were you when I was growing up?"

"Trapped in a government facility being taught how to kill people with my mind," Kaidan replied.

Jen let out a surprised laugh. "Somehow, that fits in perfectly with my view of the universe."

"Jen," he said, "you know I can't stay. If word gets out about what I did, if people believe whatever Johannes is probably going to tell them, I'd be in danger. And you probably would be, too. Biotics have been killed for far less than what I did here tonight."

"Yeah," she said, "I know."

"Jen, is there anywhere you can go?" he asked. "I don't know why you're working here, but there must be some way you can get away from it."

"I spent a lot of time messed up, Kaidan," she said. "I think I might have run through all my chances. There aren't many people who want to hire someone with a record, even if it's just for drugs and… well, other non-violent crime."

"You might be surprised," Kaidan said. "I don't have much, but I could pay for your ticket off of here, as long as you don't go too far. And maybe… did you ever get caught stealing?"

"They never made it stick. It won't show up in a background check. And I have money for a ticket, I just don't have anywhere to go."

"I have a cousin who has a shipping business," Kaidan said. "Maybe he could get you started. Even if you didn't work with him long, it would at least help you get some work references."

"You would do that for me?"

"Yes, if it gets you away from here. You're too good for this place."

Jen shook her head at that, but apparently decided not to argue.

"If your cousin could do this, why don't _you_ go work for him?" she asked.

"Well," Kaidan said, "_he_ likes me well enough, but his wife is kind of afraid of me."

"Bitch."

Kaidan laughed. "Be nice. If I can arrange this, you'll have to deal with her."

"No one's ever tried to help me like this before," she said.

"You've been hanging around the wrong people."

The next day, Kaidan arranged for passage and sent a message to his cousin, explaining as much of the situation as he felt he could. It turned out not to be much. Still, his cousin said he was willing to give her a shot, if he vouched for her. They parted ways on some transit hub in the middle of nowhere; Jen off to start her new life, and Kaidan throwing himself into the difficult task of finding himself a job. Life had gotten difficult again.

Still, Kaidan found that he felt better than he had in a long time. It was strange, after everything that had happened. His experience with Jen had left him reconsidering his definition of what a monster was. Maybe he didn't fall into that category as much as he had believed. He still wasn't sure how he felt about the abilities that set him apart so much, but Johannes hadn't needed anything like that to hurt people. In fact, if he hadn't had those abilities, Johannes _would _have hurt people. And while Jen wasn't exactly comfortable with the biotics, she hadn't rejected him as Rahna had. As much as it scared her, she appreciated that he'd been able to help her.

It was something to think about.

Kaidan found himself applying for jobs where his background would most definitely be checked. Let them look. A dozen places might reject him, but maybe there would be one that didn't. He wasn't hiding from himself anymore.

**(A/N: Whew. Sorry it took me so long to move on with this story. It went in a direction even I didn't expect when I finally got back to it. Sorry if it was a bit too grim for you, but as they say, it's a long hard road out of hell. Still, I'm pretty sure we're past the worst of the angst.**

**Please review, if you'd be so kind. I appreciate feedback. It's like chocolate, except less fattening and it travels better over the internet. Thanks!)**


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